Monday, August 19, 2013

peace • patience

yesterday was a pretty good day.  really all weekend was, even if i did have to work 13 hours on saturday.

i was able to spend a couple hours laying by the pool, my skin tingling from the sun's heat, new music flowing into my ears, and lots of time to think.  what's new though, my mind is a constant obsessing/worrying machine, but i was surprisingly at ease in these moments.

peace and patience are two things i really thought about, for a long time.  lots of you know that my body has been having ridiculous issues {mentally & physically} for the last few months and it's really, really getting to me.  i don't have a lot of patience to begin with, so when something like this lingers on, surgery did not solve any issues, and things continues to be a burden, well, i am losing patience with my body.  frustrations and anger grow each day.

on the other hand, i feel like maybe all of this is a test.  a test to see how patient i can be and to help me grow better as a person.  sometimes i feel my lack of patience makes me impulsive, bitter, immature, and hateful, and i need to stop this.

i am the kind that knows everything happens for a reason.  i don't believe in luck, i believe in signs, there are no coincidences, and things are already planned for me.  i will find peace with myself and other things through these struggles i am facing.  i hope to see the world and my life in a softer, clearer, and happier way soon, or when i do find peace with everything.  when this will be, i'm not sure, but i know it will happen.  it has to.

happy and at peace is where i really want to be.  in fact, besides my health, those are the things i want most in life.  


Caitlin said...

I'm sorry to hear you're still going through a lot of the same issues with your health :( But how awesome that you can find peace even during stressful times. <3

Susan said...

So you always know when I am playing blog-reading-catch-up as I comment on your last few recent posts.... Dear, I'm sorry you're still going through this. I haven't followed up since just after your surgery. :( Like you said, there's a plan for you. Things will work out how they are supposed to... it just sucks in the mean time when we all have to cope and be patient and wait for God to reveal the plan that seems to be different from the plan we have in our own minds. I've been thinking about you (even when I'm not reading your blog daily!! haah)